1. My dad's beat friend/my uncle:
He was very funny and loved to joke around. Both of his kids loved him, looking at him, being around him talking to him you would of never known.I was young when I lost him and his death was the first one I ever dealt with it was very rough on me. when I found out what happened I was Devastated this was the first death I had ever gone through. I didn't know how to cope with it. I didn't know how to process what my mother was telling Me. I was confused, hurt and very upset. when my mother got the phone call she immediately came upstairs and sat me down and begun to explain what happened. my uncle and my aunt had alot of marriage problems ,They also had there own mental health and health problems to deal with. His mother was an Alcoholic, always causing problems, convinceing him drink was always the answer, his mother was popping up every couple days. around the time of his death ,his mother was living with my uncle , she just complained , never helped around , my uncle always had to pick her oupon the floor because when she wasn't passed out she was causing problems because she couldn't keep herself together and stay sober. He was beyond stressed constantly worrying and taking care of her and as Things progressed, his stress levels were off the charts. his wife or the state threaten to take or remove the kids from his care, that pushed him to his breaking point. He couldn't live without his kids. As always his mother solution to everything was to drink, and him and his mother ended up getting in a pretty bad fight, on top of loosing the kids, he decided that taking his life was the only way, to end the suffering then he got in his truck and drove 100 miles an hour right into a giant into a tree, he was dead on impact. Being as young as I was I didn't understand why he wanted to take his own life, I didn't understand any of it, I was aso angry that he made that choice, that he left us behind to deal and carry that pain around .. still to this day I go visit him and I talk to him, and I tell him how much I wish he was here,
2 &3 . High school classmates: I lost two people I went to school with , we were not close but we were friends, I regret not being able to help them more, one took a bunch of sleeping pills and never woke up, the other one hung himself, they never talked or expressed how they truly felt because they felt that they weren't important enough, that no one loved them Enough to care of to help, they felt alone, invisible and they said they felt like they were drowning in their own life and there was no way out, they both went out of their way to help and support others , all while they were silently suffering, they were always laughing, dancing , being silly, making others laugh, they did not want to be remembered for he darkness that unfortunatelysurrounded them but by the love and kindness they spread and gave out, they did sturuggle with many different things, from mental health issues, health struggles , they struggles self confidence, they were bullied by those they didn't understand them, judged by awful people they were hurt because others were hurting, they were trapped in a vicious endlessly cycle so they thought suicide was the only option
4. Non blood related family /sister
she was bold, smart , strong and beauitful. She was so independent and loved her children dearly. However she suffered with depression along with other mental disorders and she had her share of health problems, but we got a long, we bonded , we spent a long if time together, we understood eachother, we just became very close, we never eachother for a number of years, we had many diffrent conversations about life and all the hardships that came with life, we talked about heartache, relationships, pain, grief , loss and many other topics.
I reassured her about many different things many different times she would always tell me how depressed she was , how she couldn't handle much more. that she getting close to her breaking point. We talked about how she felt like a failure in every way possible. she really felt like she was failing everyone, her children her boyfriend. She told me few different times how she felt like everyone would be better off without her. I was always
supportive, compassionate, and understanding. I would talk her out of her depression moods then one day she asked me
- if I would always be an aunt to her to children. That no matter what I would do my best to be there for them,
I told her absolutely and She went from telling me every few days to telling me everyday how bad her life was and how bad she was struggling and how she couldn't take it anymore, she was going to just end it all but she was always there and alive the next day. I always took her seriously though. I was always there for her, I would listen and support her and talk her out of these depression moods. Expect on the last day I ever spoke to . I was the complete opposite, I I was snapping, and angry towards her, and my temper got worse as the phone calls happened She called me numerous times throughout the day Threatening to kill herself , how she couldn't take it anymore how her life was over because her boyfriend left and cheated on her with another women. I felt terrible, i was struggling And I just kept pushing myself because I had a million things on my plate that day.I was helping a friend out. my mental health and my overall health was in poor condition I had all kinds of problems and issues on top of not sleeping well. I was running myself very thin. I had no patience very moody, Very Irritated when she called me for the 5th time and started in with her life problems and how she was done , how she didn't matter to anyone, that the world would be better off without her. after trying to tell her how important she was and how loved she was, that it wasn't the end of the world. But to her , everything just become to much, she was severely suffering and because I was having a bad day. I lost it on her and I said things to her that I still regret to this day.
I told her that I was done listening to it. I didn't have time to listen to her non sense , she was extremely loved, there was people out there that cared about her. she was just being dumb a selfish I told her was I was sick and tired of hearing about her b.s and her problems I told her that if she was going to kill herself that she was being incredibly dumb and selfish that I needed her, her children needed her, but I can't force her to see how important she is . Instead being kind and supportive I just started to attack her verbally. telling her enough was enough. I told her I wasn't listening I no longer cared and I had have enough and I hung up.
I was the last person she spoke with that day because couple hours later she hung herself in her garage, with car straps she had found. I always assumed she would be over my house the next day and we would continue talking about all our life problems. Expect this time with her boyfriend cheating on her and leaving her for someone else that was the final thing and She hit her breaking point, she just couldn't do it anymore..and I pushed her over the edge . No matter how angry and fed up I was. I had no right to say the things I said. you should never speak out of anger. You never know when it’s someone's last day. You never know if it's the last time you will ever speak to that person. every since she took her life I have lived with regret, shame and I'm embarrassed, that I acted like that.That I said the things I said. I still think of her often and miss our deep conversations we had. I just miss her all together. But I have kept my word to my sister and I will continue to keep my word to her for as long as I live.
5. My bonus Mom
Me and this woman had a very special relationship, she was one of the people that helped raise me, she was one of my role models, she was one of my superheroes ,I looked up to her and she taught me so many important lessons in life she passed away in 2018 let's jump into her story let's get to know the woman I called my bonus mom
she was always helping, she loved to fix things, she lived to support people, love and support her daughters, she would always go above and beyond for other people , she was always calm and she did a really good job at keeping herself together unless someone crosthena lot then she became angry everybody in the entire town would know it, because she would explode like a volcano but it was not very often that happened because she was always so busy putting everybody before herself, she had a list of mental health problems she went undiagnosed for her entire life. she did not have very good experiences with the doctor which made it so she didn't go to the doctors or the emergency room.
When I turned age 15, I became her caretaker because her mental health and overall health got so bad on top of everything else she was diagnosed with severe COPD, along with all of the other health problems. she was in abusive marriage for over 20 years , she drank , she was a chronic alcoholic also a chronic drug user .I will never say that this woman was perfect but she was real honest as they come she accepted everybody and loved everybody for exactly who they were she never judged anybody she was provided a safe place for them she would feed the neighborhood kids or anybody who didn't have food she thought it was important to give back to her community, she was a stay at home mom for a while she did work on and off through the years but trying to maintain her mental health, her overall health, her addiction to drugs and alcohol and her struggle with depression it all became too much,
once her health took a turn for the worst she was admitted to the hospital a couple times over the years because she was retaining fluid around her heart, her husband only got more abusive as the years went on but because she had a child with her abuser and she felt because of how she was raised she did not have a choice but to stay together for the kids sake, she was also really codependent on her husband as he was to her even though it would have been much better for everybody involved if they got a divorce they never did, was everything she had been through everything she was dealing with and everything yet to come it not only took a toll on her but it took a toll on the family, the house, the children .
For many years my mom she would always maintain the house, she cleaned, she cook , she did the laundry . There was nothing she couldn't do she handled especially at home because her husband was the breadwinner he was the one that worked full time and pay for the bills while she stayed home and cleaned and took care of the children and that is something she agreed to because of the fact she was unable to work, she felt that the best way to contribute to her family was to stay at home and take care of the house and the children. she spent so long being focused on being a mother and a wife and helping others that she never made time for herself,. she always gave 100% of herself to anybody that needed her at any time of day,
she knew if she was busy focusing on her child or her husband or helping somebody else she didn't have to focus on her pain, she didn't have to admit she was struggling, she didn't have to deal, she didn't have to cope, she didn't have to work through it because at the end of the day once everything slowed down, she had the alcohol and her drugs to fall back on to help her get through the sleepless and restless nights because she also did not sleep very well due to insomnia eventually it all became too much the drinking and the drugs and her health plummeted, she was hospitalized and there's lots that she kept from everybody because she did not want everybody to know that she was dying but between her hospital records talking to her best friend things that I witnessed, eventually I found out that around the time that she was hospitalized because of the water around her heart she also got a devastating diagnosis that because of all of the years of the drinking and the drugs
it finally caught up and her body was shutting down it wasn't until couple years went on and she admitted to me that she was not able to consume anymore alcohol because it made her violently ill, that she could not do or keep drugs in her system because it also made her violently ill and that is because her body was shutting down, she was faced with devastating news, she knew she was going to die on top of her dealing with severe depression the abuse, the struggles and all the stress, she couldn't take it anymore
one day she decided she was done, she did not want to fight anymore, she did not want to struggle anymore, she did not want to deal with the pain or trauma she had been through , she wanted to take the easy way out she wanted to be with her loved ones that had already passed away she new that she could kill herself and make it look like it was lack of oxygen to her heart
because of the oxygen machine she was on she needed constant oxygen all of the time. At this point she has been so much time with the oxygen machine that she knew when she needed it, she never went far without it, she's not sleep well at night so she never had struggles with keeping her oxygen mask on at night she never pulls it off in her sleep nor did she never rolled over on , the night that she passed away she made the decision to make it look like it was an accident but she wanted to go out on her own terms she did not want to suffer anymore. she did not want to endure the pain that was coming, she did not want to endure the abuse from her husband anymore, she's not with her children to see her die so she made the decision and she went peacefully she's not suffer and it was quick as much as I wish there was something I could have done to save her and help her I am happy that she is no longer suffering and she is with my daughter, I know I will always carry her in my heart and every day I aim to make her proud.
Add comment
Comments